panandaliang kasiyahan

it's funny how time flies so fast. i remember when i was able to talk to my two closest guy friends about anything, anytime anywhere. sadly, it aint the same anymore. guy number 1 has a job and lacks the initiative  to interact with other people unless told to do so, and guy number 2, well, let's just say he has disconnected every possible connection we could have (except for the celphone, thank God!) because of one stupid misunderstanding. i miss them. maybe it's partly my fault. i have created a new world out of the old because of a significant other. it's okay. it happens. it's understandable. i dont regret any of it.

but this situation..it's like deja vu... i make an effort and they dont do the same.maybe im the only one who sees the significance of the friendship. it's possible. but if it were the case. sadness. maybe we are slowly disconnecting from one another?

or maybe, everyone's changing. ive changed, and so have they. and thus the friendship has changed.

i prefer the last statement "the friendship has changed"...yes. itd be sad to find out that we "bonded" for almost 5 years for nothing. 

for the past three weeks, ive been wanting to kill someone just to make my life easier. then i though, me dying is soooo much better. take away the cigarettes, take away the alcohol, and what do i have left to help me de-stress?God kknows stress tabs aint working.

hmmm...fortunately, i have somebody.

but im still stuck with thesises, and my body refuses to work like crazy. yes, it refuses to take orders from me and would rather watch youtube. (shhh....my thesismates dont know. haha)

i think i need alcohol in my system. and maybe a baseball bat. i want to hit someone...errr...something.

is it possible that ive come to a point in my life wherein i do not want to care about certain things anymore? i think my willingness to care is starting to decrease.

ive been in fights. mostly petty ones. even if im not the one at fault, id be the one who'd say sorry and pray for things to go back to the way they were. one of the things i dont like : inconsistency. but lately, ive learned to deal. it's true what they say. once you've said your part, and they still dont understand, leave it. thank god people made an effort to brainwash me this idea and the "need" to please everyone is not that much of a need anymore. yes. time to celebrate. hmmm. but i wont turn into a mean girl. in fact, ive "matured, became more understanding..." uish. is this an indirect effect of being someone's someone? hmmm, it is possible. yes.

back to willingness to care. ive learned a lot of things, thank god. a bit too late to learn things but tis okay. being selfish is natural they say. but somehow ive managed to keep my selfishness to myself, making people think that i am not selfish (well, at times). people, i am selfish. but im not that selfish. i let other people maximize their utility by not maximizing mine. rarr. i think i got that right. haha. so i think my willingness to care was equal to one or maybe very close to one (the usual standard would be between 0 to 1). but it gets tiring. when the people whom you've sacrificed maximizing your utility for do something  unusually stupid and in the process hurts you, it gets frustrating then gives you a headache you do not need. this has been happenning a lot lately and im tired. i do not like headaches.

and right now, someone's giving me one. not that someone, that someone. haha.

i do not get me anymore.